2017, a Reflection

I honestly can't believe that 2017 is almost over. It's crazy that yet another year has flown by.A few friends and I were talking, we couldn't believe just how fast time was flying. "Is this what it's like to get older?" We all pondered. We weren't sure, but we did know that we wanted to make the most of the time that we had.Looking back on 2017 I'm filled with so much excitement, love, happiness, sorrow and joy. It was as equally amazing as it was hard.I started the year as a college graduate, something that I never would have thought was possible when I was younger. But I did it! I graduated from an amazing University where I grew more into who I was, I learned to dream, I learned to work through hardships and disappointments and I met some amazing friends.I worked hard towards one major dream that final semester of 2016 and it came true in January of 2017- I got an internship with Thirst Project. An organization working to educate and activate the next generation on the global water crisis. Working together to make it a part of our history rather than our present.Those four months on the road were an incredible dream come true. Even when I take off my graduation goggles, it was still amazing. Sure, it was hard at times, if it wasn't I wouldn't have grown, I would have stayed the same, and where's the fun in that?I got to see parts of the states I have only dreamed about. I got to see the Pacific Northwest, the West Coast, the desert, the South and some beloved parts of the East and Midwest. My teammate and I are forever friends after all that we went through, heck we're more like sisters. I learned to take chances, I learned to speak in front of crowds of 5 to 5,000. I learned that I can be my serious and my goofy self all at once. I learned to be transparent and vulnerable and to allow my story to help others.Coming home was rough. I wanted to stay there, I wanted to continue to be apart of their team but it just didn't fit. I realized that even if I'm not on their payroll, I still want to help END the global water crisis. It is something that is near and dear to my heart, something that I will always be working towards.

Home was different this time around, I didn't want to stay long-term but it seemed like I was going to. I had no major idea of what was next for me. So I started writing. I wrote more this past summer than I think I ever have. I wrote about these past years adventures and things that I have learned. I blogged some, and I had the opportunity to start writing for an amazing online magazine, Evade.While I started to get the feel of being home, I lost my Grandpa. Just a month or so after I had talked to him on the phone, it felt like a knife was slicing into my heart. I didn't know this kind of grief, it was deep and strong and painful. A few months later my Granny joined him in Heaven. That opened a whole new round of pain that I hadn't experienced. One that brought questions and uncertainty but was masked by the thought that they are no longer in pain nor suffering.

But as the circle of life works, that summer we also welcomed my third niece into this world and my best friend got engaged. I couldn't be happier for her and her fiancé. I realized that while my heart and feet were longing to go elsewhere, my soul needed to be home. I needed to renew friendships, make time for my family and friends, and make time for myself. Relearn what it was that I wanted my next steps to be. Relearn how to start my days in the Word, pull out the weeds that had grow in my foundation, restore what was there and refresh myself for what I wanted my years to look like down the road.

As summer turned into fall, I realized that home was just where I was needed. I made time for friends that I hadn't seen in years. I went to Ohio to visit some and Washington to see others. I drove a few hours and a few minutes to see even more. I made my friends a priority. I set to work, working on myself too. Something that I hadn't done much of in the most recent months. It was painful, messy, but the end result was so worth it. I learned to truly rest once more. I learned to enjoy the little things again. I learned that Now is all that we truly need to worry about. The future and all the uncertainties that it holds is important but not one to dwell on.As 2017 has come to a close, I am reminded of just how many ups and downs a year can hold. It is so easy to look back and only see the the big events that happened. While some were bad, and hardships were endured, there were still bright moments of love, laugher and joy. I am reminded that while some parts were painful and jagged it's good to remember the good; the love, the times of faith, the times of friendships that grew stronger, the moments of laugher, surprise and fun.2018 for me will be a year of renewal, of hope, of joy, of working hard towards some larger dreams.We must allow our pasts to help us refine our future, not define it. We have the power to change what our futures look like. We can choose to stay in our mentality of 2017, one that for me was quite rough, full of times where I was hit down and stayed down, only to get up on my knees and fall once more. Now, I'm working on standing, I want to stand tall in 2018; sure, I will stumble, it's part of life. But as I fell each time in 2017, I got back up and I will continue to get back up each time. I will remember what I learned through the pain and hardships as well as all the good that happened. 2018, let's do this.

Let's Change the Conversation

A week ago my best friend and I spent an afternoon at the pool. It was glorious. The sun was shining, it wasn't too hot or humid.

We met at her house and walked to her neighborhood pool. We had a lot to catch up on.

When we got to the pool and took our swim covers, I noticed how in shape she was. Working out is something that we both struggle with keeping up. In the middle of our conversation, I off handedly mentioned how in shape she was.

She paused and laughed and said how she was just thinking about how fat she was.

It shocked me.

My friend is seriously one of the most beautiful people I know. She takes care of her body and her all around health.

I've realized recently just how much negativity there is that surrounds how we all look at ourselves. We are truly our own worst critics. What if my friend saw herself through my eyes, an admiring friend? What if she saw herself through her husband's, a man that adores her? What if she saw herself through her future children's eyes, the woman who carried them and gave them life?

What would change then?

I have three young nieces who love to dress up in their ball gown costumes and pretend to be princesses. I don't want my nieces growing up and thinking there is anything wrong with them. They are perfect just the way that they are. Just like my friend is. Just like you are.

We need to start to change the conversation away from the negative thoughts of what we wish our bodies would look like. We need to start to think of ourselves as beautiful, smart, sexy, pretty, intelligent, kind, loving, hopeful, joyous, helpful, insert an adjective here, kind of women.

Can we please start to do that? Can we please change the conversation?

Desensitized

Travel has a lot of ups (and downs) and sometimes you have a few seconds to look back and take a second to realize where in the World (no pun intended) you are.Today marks being on the Road for three weeks and heading into our fourth week.Each week has been eventful, let alone each day. They all tend to blend together when I look back at each week. I sometimes have a hard time remember which school was which week. Which students from each school were most interested in doing something. But all around, each school we visit is the amazing in it’s own way.As we left San Francisco today, I was struck with the fact that I was still awed with driving over the Golden Gate Bridge. In just the six days we have been here, we have driven over the bridge probably well over three times a day in and out of our hostel to our presentations and back again. At first, I was Awed, I couldn’t believe that I was seeing, in person, one of the most iconic sights in America. It seemed so Unreal. Then it quickly became the bridge that we had to travel daily to get wherever we were heading, simply a mode of transportation.Then today, as I was leaving our hostel and heading South, I looked out toward the Bay from the mountain and realized that this very well may be the last time that I ever see the Bridge in person. Sure, I would love to come back out here, but I’m not sure if I will any time soon let alone ever.As I drove across, I moved to the right-hand slow lane to drive and look. I looked to the left and there was the Bay Bridge in the distance, Alcatraz, Treasure Island; all with the morning fog and clouds almost lifting but still giving a small shade to the morning. In front of me was the city scape. To my right was the water, where even squinting and searching the horizon you couldn’t see where the water and sky met.I realized I became so desensitized to driving the Golden Gate, to travel. It’s just my way of living in this season.Each week we are in a new place. Each day we speak to hundreds of students. By the time late March and early April come around, we’ll have driven not only up and down the United States, but also across. Something that many have only dreamed of doing. That I dreamed of doing.By the end of this internship I’ll have driven across America twice. It blows my mind, not only how lucky I am, but that I get to call this my job, my life at this moment. Even though I have many more weeks of travel ahead of me, I don’t want to become complacent with what I am doing. I love it, don’t misunderstand me, it is honestly a dream come true. But I don’t want my mentality to switch and no longer be enthralled by the fact that I get to do this.I want to stay amazed each time I get to take the bridge, or I get to see a national monument or even get to speak to students each day.I want to Live in that Excitement, that Awe, that Joy. Here’s to the random adventures that await me at each state and city that we go to. Here’s to the moments of Awe that all I can do is laugh and smile and stare in Disbelieve and Joy that this is my Life.  

Trust and Expectations

Trust. It seems to be a really easy word at first. Do you trust me? Is probably one of the most common questions we are asked or do ask when we see how much we can spill our emotions and feelings to others.Some of you may say yes, maybe we're best friends, confidants. Some of you might think I'm crazy, asking you if you trust a total stranger and some of you may even though you don't know me - all of those are cool, all of those are good, all of those make us human.When I think of trust I think of my parents, friends and mentors. Those people whom I go to to talk things out with, ask for their advice and guidance on situations. I also think of my Heavenly Father.I trust the leadership that is in my life, those at my work and those that help guide me.I trust them.Let me tell you a fun little story about Trust and Expectations:Applying for this internship was a whole bucket of trust. I didn't apply for anything else post-graduation, only this. I was trusting in God that if I didn't get it then there must be a reason. And if I did get it there must be a reason. I got it so obviously a cool reason is behind it.Coming to LA and not yet knowing who my teammate was, I trusted the leadership to place me with the best possible teammate for the road to allow us to reach the most students and help end the global water crisis.When I found out my partner and route, I trusted that we were going to be great together. I trusted that schools would want us to come and speak. I trusted that we would have a fun time on the road together. I trusted that even though we didn't know each other super well that we would get better at communication and learn more about each other. Sure we would face hard times, but I trusted that we would get through it.So when everything got switched around I was a bit afraid to Trust. I'm sure we've all been in relationships or moments that have caused our defenses to go up and not trust those that we're around. It's natural; but we have to be able to grow from those moments.I trust my leadership and I trust their intuitions. I trust that this is for the better.Now, I'm with a completely different teammate. Do I Trust her? Yes. Now, I'm on a completely different route. Do I trust this is where I'm supposed to be? Yes.Now, this internship is more than about me. Do I trust this, do I trust that there is more? Yes. Yesterday in the midst of all the feelings (perhaps there's another blog post in here about crying in public and breaking down expectations; mourning what you thought was going to happen and coming to the realization and acceptance of what is) we hopped in the car and decided to take an adventure, we went to Joshua Tree to watch the sunset.As I stood amongst the trees and rocks and watched the sky change colors from bright blue to the haze of pink, purple and indigo; and the stars started to come out to say "Hello" I realized, once again, We Are Made For More.This internship isn't about me: It's about educating and activating youth on the global water crisis.These changes aren't a reflection of what I can do: It's allowing me more opportunities for growth. I'm not here for me, I'm here for something larger, something so much more than me.I may not have all the words for all of it, but I can explain this:Even when things turn to the gutter, even when you can't fully understand what the heck is going on, Remember there's something more. Something that may not be About you, but Calls you to be more. You're a part of something bigger, greater, and more amazing than you could ever imagine. You just have to Trust.