Thread Memory

Do you ever find it hard to give away your clothes?

The other day I woke up determined to purge my closet. It’s a feeling I get a few times a year, usually around the start of a new season. I look at all the clothes that I have and pull them out of my closet one by one.

I hold them up and ask, “Did I wear you?” if the answer is no, I throw it into the give away box. If the answer is only once, I ask myself, “Will I wear you again?” and sometimes throw it in the give away and sometimes in the maybe. If I love it and wear it all the time, I put it in the keep pile.I have these milk crates that hold tons of old t-shirts of mine. Some from highschool, many from college and a handful of ones that I’ve picked up on my travels. Every time I go to clean out my closet I get stuck on these.

I hardly ever wear them and if I do it’s only to the gym and even then, I still hardly wear them but I keep them.

I have this one zippered jacket that I got back in college at a resale store. It quickly became my favorite jacket. I wore it pretty much every day. It had a small little hole on one of the elbows when I first got it, but in the years and places I have worn it, that hole now covers my entire elbow and then some. There are pit stains all the way down to the band at the waist and there are many, many stains. But I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.

Why? You ask, well this jacket has been with me through tons of memories. This jacket was with me during the season where we would travel up to Chicago to see Noah and his family. Heck, I think I actually got it up there.

This jacket was with me when I was trying to decipher what God had for me, to go onto the mission field or to stay at school.

This jacket came with me around the world.

This jacket helped ease my reentry, tied around my waist.

This jacket came with me back to school, like a blanket, always there, always reminding me of what was and what will be.

This jacket has seen tears of joy and deep sorrow. This jacket has see praise on the rooftops of the Dominican Republic to the beaches of South Africa. This jacket has see excitement at getting the dean’s list and rejection at not getting a job.

This jacket has been there through it all.

Now it is all threadbare now, but I still can’t bring myself to get rid of it. Even now as I type this, I long to pull on the sleeves and be reminded of all that we have done together.

It can sometimes seem silly to be so attached to something that is easily replaced; but I don’t think so, it just makes it hard to say goodbye when the time comes.

That day, after I purged so much from my closet, I raced my clothes over to Goodwill before I could change my mind. I gave them everything in the basket, all the t-shirts, sweaters, pants and shorts and when I came home I felt good, liberated even.

When I woke up the next day I had a deep regret and sorrow building in my chest. There was a pair of Thai pants in that basket that I gave away. A pair that a dear friend had given me on the Race but I had not worn in over 3 years. I knew I would probably never wear them, which is why I gave them away, but now that they no longer lived in my closet with the possibility of me wearing them, it seemed too great to think about.

I honestly love getting rid of my stuff. It’s weird thing to like, I know, but it makes me feel so free and happy knowing that it’s just material objects and they can be replaced. But when I woke up that morning I was so sad that I hadn’t thought to keep it. I knew I would never wear them, I knew that but without having their presence in my closet, I missed them.

For some reason, before big life changes I almost always go and get a new pair of shoes. This last pair of shoes I bought were a pair of grey chucks. I love them. They remind me of high school and early college and after all the adventures I have had in them, I am reminded of the miles we have traveled together.

Whenever the time comes that I have to get a new pair of shoes, my heart will break when I throw those away. We had so many wonderful times together, we have seen so many things, achieved so much, and now we are saying goodbye.

It can seem crazy but I bet you, there’s a reason why you have a favorite sweater or a favorite pair of jeans in your closet. I am sure part of it is the fit, but what about the memories in them? What about that pair of jeans you wore during an amazing dinner you had with your friends that seemed to last only a few minutes because it was so great but really you sat at the restaurant until they closed? Or that sweater you wore when you told your boyfriend you loved him?

There are events that happen in our clothes that help make them so special to us. That jacket, (I went and put it on by the way, it doesn’t match but that’s ok) will probably live in my closet for years and every time I wear it, I’ll feel a little nostalgic, very blessed, and excited for what is to come.