Smiles, Laughter, Happy Hearts, & Forgiveness

To be fully honest, I have been trying to write a blog post for the past three months without making much progress. I’ve wanted to write about politics, about the world, about life during COVID, about my life, about everything. Obviously, I haven’t been super successful, oops!

I’ve tried, truly, I have about 7 drafts in my queue and all are halfway written, but they haven’t gotten much farther. I’m not sure why, but I think part of it comes from my lack of concentration and another part of it comes from not wanting to be disingenuous. I love sharing about my life and what I’m learning on here and there has been a lot that has happened in my life over the last few months. Most of which, I’m not ready to share publicly, and some of which I am. So, for the sake of this blog post, please know, that there will be parts that you might not understand, and maybe one day I’ll be able to fully fill in those gaps so it can actually make sense to anyone else who’s not me or my immediate friend group. Here we go…

Over the past few months I have thought a lot about the phrase “giving grace.” I think it is vastly overused (I say this because I use it wayyyy too much!) and I think that is can also set a dangerous precedent on how we let others treat us. I’ve also been thinking about forgiveness, most likely because of recent events that have happened in my life that’s allowing me to look over the past and see a trend of giving grace to others and forgiveness.

I feel as though I was taught to give grace to everyone. I know my parents taught me to be kind, to love everyone, to be patient, to always “put yourself in their shoes and treat people with kindness because you never know what they’re going through.” And don’t think I disagree, I don’t! I’ve worked in retail for many years and I know how much I wished some customers would just take a breather and realize that the day, unfortunately, isn’t just about making them happy, but making lots of people happy. But, there’s something that I’m having to unlearn. Something that wasn’t taught to me and at times, I think, I was taught to completely ignore.

This part of giving grace that I’m having to unlearn is how important is it to have boundaries when doing so.

I know, shocker, right? Boundaries, such a marvelous invention that I’m still learning about today! I think it’ll be something I learn about for the rest of my life.

Boundaries for me when “giving people grace” will be different for everyone. It’ll depend on our history, the circumstance, the moment. There’s not a “one size fits all” when it comes to boundaries. My boundaries will be different than my girlfriend’s, my best friends, my parents.

But my boundaries, are 100% going to start coming into focus for me. When something happens and I “give grace” to someone, it’s not giving someone a clean slate, it’s someone an opportunity to do differently next time. And that is part of my boundary. Recognizing when someone is taking advantage of my grace and patience.

Now please, I know I am going to get a message from someone talking about how God tells us all to give grace to everyone and treat everyone with respect. Friend, oh my goodness, I hear you, I see you, and thank you. I’d like to bring something to your attention though: yes, while God calls us to turn the other cheek when we are hit, I don’t believe that God calls us to be taken advantage of. Let’s look at the beloved show New Girl, for a good reference. Nick and Winston have been friends since they were kids. Nick is often down on his luck and doesn’t have the best handle on money. Winston often bails him out and helps him out financially. Then, one night during a drunken game of poker, Nick loses and owes Winston close to $500! Winston finally takes a chance to talk to Nick about his financial situation and they leave the house to get a meal and go to the park. Nick comments “I can’t believe I forgot my wallet even after you told me not to forget it.” This is the moment that Winston has been waiting for, he takes a deep breath and tells Nick that he needs to be paid back for the money he has loaned Nick over the years.

Nick & Winston, New Girl Source: Tovermind

Now Nick, being Nick, says sure and then begins to nitpick the amount that Winston is asking for. Ok, ok, I know this is a bit of a bizarre example, and I’m sure you’ve seen the episode (S:3 E:5) I’m talking about at least 5 times (I know I have!) Here’s my point: Winston hit a level where he could no longer bail Nick out. Was it because of his own financial hardships? I’m not sure. Was it because he didn’t love Nick anymore? Heck no! Nick and Winston are best friends! Was it because he hit a point where he couldn’t let Nick take advantage of him, exploit his resources, and needed Nick to take responsibly of his finances? Yes, I believe so.

And that is just where boundaries come in with giving others grace, it’s a moment where you realize that maybe your good, kind-hearted nature is being taken advantage of, and you want the other person to take responsibility.

You want to know something really amazing? I love seeing how Papa ties up all the crazy loose ends in my life. A few weeks ago I found that one string was finally tied and finished.

It’s a bit of a crazy story as to how it all happened, essentially an acquaintance’s name came into conversation. This person and I had a bit of a falling out to say the least and every time their name came up in conversation, I cowered, I quivered, I would want the conversation to change away from them, immediately.

But this day was different. Their name came up and I didn’t feel scared, or upset, or frustrated; I felt, well no major feelings. Which was amazing for me. For over a year I had been fretting about this person, carrying around such a heavy burden on my mind, heart, and soul based off of all that had happened. And then this conversation, and it felt like all of a sudden this weight had completely dissipated.

A few hours after this conversation, I looked back at text thread from this person. A little over a year ago they had reached out apologizing for what happened between us and asking for forgiveness. At the time, I told them thank you for reaching out and that it showed me they had grown so much since our last encounter. And that I knew in time, I would be able to fully forgive them, so they could consider the forgiveness en route.

Here I was, a little after a year from that bold text message saying they were sorry and I had finally come to forgive them. What I did next is a little (a lot) out of character for me, but I felt like I needed to. Here I was, close to 2 years after something had happened, 365+ days, I had forgiven this person. And I wanted to thank them for their bold message so many moons ago.

I was so nervous sending this message to them. I wanted to be able to articulate just how much their saying sorry meant to me and how I truly hoped all was forgiven on both sides, and maybe, potentially, if our paths crossed again and we found ourselves in the same city, we could grab a drink. Or maybe not because that might be a bit too weird after all that has happened.

You know what? They responded! And they thanked ME for reaching out! How amazing is that? How incredible that after so long, after so many things that happened, we have finally forgiven one another?

Will we ever grab that drink? I have no idea, but I hope we might be able to one day.

Will we ever become besties? I have no idea, but maybe.

Will we follow each other on social media? Maybe, I’d like to cheer them on as they go through life.

Will we cheer each other on from a distance? Yea, I think we will.

I learned something else that night: There is no time line when it comes to forgiveness. There’s no angel up above watching me and then checking their stopwatch and saying “Gwen, it’s time to say sorry.” “Gwen it’s time to move on.” “Gwen it’s time to forgive them.” “Gwen you are so off schedule!”

There’s no timeline. I can go at my own pace. I can take steps forward and then roll back, past where I was before. There’s no timeline. Papa will always tie up the loose ends, in due time.

This is basically the majority of my past few months, a lot of internal work, a lot of relearning, a lot of working through past hurts. It’s been hard work, but it has been so fruitful. A friend told me recently that I looked “Genuinely happy and at peace.” And I am. I feel as though my shoulders aren’t carrying a weight and that my heart isn’t heavy and fighting.

I am smiling more, laughing more, making time for myself and what I need. I’m challenging myself to be more creative and active. I’m praying over my next steps, our country, my friends and family. I’m finding joy in the small things, like when the boys do super cute things and act super twin like. I’m finding joy in the being outdoors. I’m finding joy in doing life with my amazing girlfriend. I’m finding joy in being a pretty creative auntie.

Celebrating Rachel’s bday with space jam, yummy foods, and amazing friends!

Life isn’t always going to be easy, and by golly, do I know that to be the truth; although I am learning that after the hardships, after the pruning of the thorns, the cleaning of the soil, the beautiful roses and flowers begin to blossom. While it may not be Springtime, the same idea still stands strong: as the leaves begin to fall from the trees, and the trees bring their nutrients inward, as am I. I am filling my heart, mind, body, and soul with nutrients to last the long winter months. With nutrients to sustain me over time. With nutrients to grow me.

This fall is already one for the scrapbooks, and I pray this goodness, mindfulness, peace and joy stick around for awhile. My heart is deeply happy and my smile is truly genuine.

PS: Happy National Coffee Day! And don’t forget to register to Vote!! The last day in Indiana is October 5th!